Spitting Out Dry Dust

I don't know how things are faring in your spiritual house right now, but here on this side of the Mississippi things are kind of dry. There's a parched feel to the land, like all the moisture has been sucked from the dirt and no matter how deep I dig, it still comes up dry sand.

There's really no need for this. So many things are going right. I have writing and editing jobs stacked up. Financially we're doing okay right now. Things are getting paid off and we're putting a little up into savings.

My kids are healthy and happy, and they all have jobs and a home. The cats are doing fine, the horse is still as rambunctious as ever, Mick (our Aussie/Border Collie cross) thinks life is a game, and my hummingbirds are finally starting to appear after their winter hiatus. The poodle is a little slower, totally deaf, and partially blind, but she still grabs her rabbit every morning and whoops the stuffing out of him.

I can't tell you why I have this disquiet in my spirit, or this apathy about everything. Perhaps it's a physcial thing. (Fibro is so weird and affects so many systems of the body). Or it could be that I'm a woman who's had a full-blown hysterectomy and this is one of my hormonal "off" times. It would be so convenient to blame it on these things and avoid the need to take responsibility for my state of mind.

Because I do think it's my fault. You see, I have so much going on and am pulled in so many different directions, that I find it easier to neglect the one relationship that should mean the most to me.

The one between me and God.

I can't see God. He's not here asking me what's for breakfast. He's not on the phone asking me where a manuscript is. He's not online asking me to make one more change in a book layout. He doesn't expect me to do His laundry, or help wash the truck. He doesn't demand interaction, only silently requests it.

And His is the easiest Voice to ignore.

What makes me do this? Is it willful intent to ignore God? Is it that I no longer have a desire to serve Him or to be His child? What is the source of this apathy toward Him, yet constant need to prove myself to others that I'm capable, that I'm loving, that I have a servant's heart, that perhaps I'm even somewhat of a doormat and won't you please wipe your feet on me so I can feed that martyr complex that lurks just below the surface?

And then I come across a quote from Beth Moore's new book So Long Insecurity. "Sometimes trusting God means taking no further action (Psalm 46:10). Other times trusting God means regrouping with Him until the fog clears so we know how to take the next step. Nothing can mislead us or make us jump the gun faster than fear."

And that's when I realize that I've been blindsided by the very thing that has dogged my steps my whole life - namely FEAR. I'm afraid that if I say no, if I don't do and perform, if I'm not the perfect wife, mother, writer, editor...(oh just put a designation here, you know what I mean) that I'm not worth two cents and no one will love me or even put up with me.

Do you see how destructive this is? Can you see how fear takes your life, twists it into knots, and then drops the wad at your feet and laughs maniacally, daring you to try to put things together and right? And as you scramble furiously to do so, it becomes ever more apparent that you can't, and your despair is just that much greater as you struggle that much harder.  

This is the time I need to drop to my knees even quicker, pouring out my mess and my sin to my loving Father, asking Him to please help me overcome.

II Chronicles 20:9-12 talks about the time the armies of God's enemies came against the people of Israel. Here is what the people say to God: "If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us. But now here are men from Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, whose territory you would not allow Israel to invade when they came from Egypt; so they turned away from them and did not destroy them. See how they are repaying us by coming to drive us out of the possession you gave us as an inheritance. O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

And therein lies my answer. I will stand in the temple of my God, I will come to where He dwells and cry out to Him. I acknowledge I have no power over this enemy of fear that comes against me and that I don't know what to do. However, I will continue to keep my eyes on the Lord. I will fill my days and my nights with Him. I will stand in His presence until He sees me.

I refuse to let Him go, I will not stand back.

I will touch His robe, and He will heal me.

He is my God, and His love endures forever.

As my good friend Rudi London says, "Faith is like a flashlight; it will lead you through the darkness."

Amen, Rudi. Amen.


Sherry said...

My sister, it seems we have kindred spirits this week. I am facing many of the same spiritual and physical challenges that you are and I love that you shared them here. It is so comforting to know that I'm not alone in my battles and that God gave me such amazing friendships. You are a blessing and I can't wait to meet you for real some day. Thank you for this. I wish I could hug you.

Hanne Moon said...

Sherry, I'm constantly amazed and humbled by the friendships that God has brought to me through the Internet. Thank you for your support and encouragement. You are one of the people I thank God for, and I consider you a true sister of mine at heart. I can't wait until we meet either. Until then, {{{HUGS!!!}}} Love ya, girl!

Peter Stone said...

Good post, and great reminder to keep pressing into Jesus, to thirst for and hunger for Him.

As to fear, of ourselves we have no power, but praise the Lord that in Christ, we are more than overcomers :)

God bless

Karlene said...

Oh Hanne, thank you for this. I desperately needed to read this today as I feel pressed against a wall with family, finances, others telling me I'm not doing enough to contribute, trying my best to keep my client happy and the work done on time--creatively and original--and . . . you get the picture.

I noticed the other day, I've been missing my time with the One I love! If I never wrote again, it would be worth not losing Him. Though I know He has called me to write the words He puts in my heart, so I doubt the writing will end. But He cannot be set aside.

Sorry for rambling. I need to run and get some tissue and dry my face. I can barely see the screen as I type. :)